Things That Will Not Be Happening

Sooo, what fun things have been planned for the ol' wedding?  Nothin.  What I DO know is what I don't want.  Here is a little list of things that I will most likely not incorporate.

Check-this-out

I like sparkle, but heeeck to the no. No light up wedding dress.  I hope she is marrying a fire fighter cause what if that thing caught on fire?? Talk about a hot ass. Nooo thank you.  Is it like lights on a tree?  If one goes out do none of them work? OR what if you wanted multicolor?  OR multicolor and flashing?  Also, who turned it on?? Is her mom sitting in the audience with a remote?  Or does he do it when they are turned around? I imagine her, "Joey...push.the.BUTTON."  Don't even get me started on the dancing...ohhhh the dancing.  They certainly aren't going to make it on Dancing with the Stars this year. "Jazz hands, Joey! JAZZ HANDS!"

Second item I will not be donning on wedding day.

Ankle length earrings.

Uh-uh.  Doooo yoour earrings hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?  Headline: "Bride Trips Over her Own Earrings to Rip Ear Lobe Off of Head on Wedding Day."   The idea of this just gives me a head ache. I think if I had a few martinis I would start rapping them around my head like a mummy, or put a sticky hand on the end of it and throw it at people.  I will just try to avoid this purchase.

Next item is a "shoe"...

They remind me of sparkly lobster claws.

Yay sparkle! That's all I have for positive feedback on this one.  These are from Alexander McQueen, and the fact that they probably cost more than I make a year is not the only factor that is holding me back.  Not to mention I would be about 7' 5" and make Alex look like Wee Man next to myself.  I took ballet in elementary school and I've seen Black Swan, so I feel like I should be basically a pro at wearing these but that is just not going to happen.  I can hear my ankles snapping like celery right now.  No thanks.

So there are a few things I am trying to avoid.  A hot ass, ripped ear lobes and snapped ankles.  Everything else is fair game.